It’s been a long time since I felt this, the feeling of emptiness and satisfaction together. It’s an eccentric feeling this heart ache, where you feel every beat that your heart skips. Mornings are the worst because you wake up after a beautiful dream yet to realize it was just a dream. Noon is alright, you get over the morning’s misfortune as the sun goes up. Evenings are fine until the sun is still too bright to see. It’s the setting sun that brings back this unfathomable sensation. As the sun goes down changing her shades getting darker and darker yet more and more serene. It’s not something I dislike or something that I’ll ever get over. With each day my feelings grow and the emptiness becomes a void, yet you feel fine cause you to know why you feel this way.
I remember the time when I used to be a romantic, making efforts to make her smile, then again it ended and gave me the strength to believe in it even more, cause it’s better to let someone go if that makes you feel good about them. It gets worse when you’re live those moments in your thoughts, worse because you have a crooked smile on your face following numbness. Yes, it does make you feel sad, but then again it’s tough not to be sad when something that made you so happy is now in the past.
I do still believe in it, this feeling. It makes me happy just to know I still have that feeling in me which is still the best feeling in the world. I still can’t let it take over my thoughts again, can’t let you make this the most important thing in my life, I can’t let that best take me and make me feel invincible cause I know I’m not.
It’s not the feelings that scare me, but the thoughts of losing myself to you being vulnerable and in need of comfort and warmth. I like the cold, I like the shivers and frozen breath.
I like me, being solitude and reminiscing those lived moments and wonder about the present. It’s the future that scares me, scares me that the future I’ve imagined didn’t involve you. It wasn’t perfect, my dream of the future but it made me feel confident that what’s worse that could happen will be of my own, the responsibility of messing up would be mine to correct and to surpass.
It didn’t involve you, the future, where I would do anything for the smile on your face, make a fool of myself just to make your day.
I didn’t listen when they told me how their day went, I was too busy making myself believe how I managed to be with someone like them. I never got over those feelings, of love, laughter, and happiness.
The heartbreaks don’t bother me, I don’t feel sadness when the happiness that I had was more than perfect. But I’m scared, scared of becoming that person again and losing myself to you, I told you how I felt but also that not to think about what I said. I had been clear about what I wanted in life, I had small goals and bigger pictures, but the picture didn’t have you.
It was mountains, the trees the cold wind a fire burning songs that I have lived through playing and me lying under the shade blowing smoke rings as I felt the peace of a happy life I had.
But now the picture is changing the frame I had thought of changing, the shade under the tree is bigger now, the fire is brought low the wind is colder, but the warmth is warmer, music is better and the mountains are magical. As the sun falls in the distance the picture I had in my thoughts seems to be different, the picture seems perfect but we all know that nothing is and never will be. I never wanted perfect I wanted it to be missing those perceptions, I wanted it to have a life where it was all in the past where I had it all done and I was by myself under the shade and the fire burning.
Thinking that if I had someone there it would have been perfect but I had lived through them and accepted the life that it had given me the stories it had told me and the memories it had given me.
Happiness is real it has always been that way, but it needs tears to realize how good it was and how happy it made you. I wish I had been in love so I would have never understood the feeling, but I do and it scares me cause I’m afraid to even this would end and I’ll have is memories. I don’t mind the memories it’ll give me yet another story to tell, but I won’t be telling it to YOU.
By- Akrtiti Karishma Lakra
Insta Id- @lakraakriti